


fools give you reasons, wise men never try

by kaeda



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Eye Contact, Hints of unrequited Fjord/Caduceus, Kissing, M/M, Party, Slow Dancing, background beau/yasha, spoilers for c2e110
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26666224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaeda/pseuds/kaeda
Summary: There was something different about walking into the heart of the Cerberus Assembly dressed in his finery, surrounded by Dwendalian high society and conscious of the political currents around them. There was intrigue in the air, and a dark sort of magic that Caduceus could almost taste on his tongue.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Eodwulf
Comments: 38
Kudos: 175





	fools give you reasons, wise men never try

**Author's Note:**

> **Note (11/12/20): this fic was written before Cad was confirmed aro, and I wrote this fic with the headcanon that he was gray ace and reflecting my own gray ace/demi experience. I hope you will still enjoy it even though it's no longer an accurate portrayal of Caduceus's orientation.**
> 
> This fic became quite a monster and got away from me! I hope you all enjoy. I never intended to write 5k words of Cadwulf but...here we are.
> 
> Written for a kiss prompt for tumblr user highintlowwis, for #2 and #33: "A small, fleeting kiss - which is immediately followed by a passionate, hungry kiss" and “An unexpected kiss that shocks the one receiving it.”
> 
> I used this fic as practice to learn how to type Eadwulf's name properly, so I am spelling it Liam's way even though it took all of my strength not to fill this with Eodwulfs instead.

The ballroom was draped in the colors of the Empire, King Dwendal’s coat of arms hanging center, highlighting the dais with a throne atop it. The Mighty Nein all glanced at Caleb somewhat askance as they arrived, but everyone knew why they were there – DeRogna had vanished and the new beacon with her, and it was only by buttering up the other members of the Assembly that they could hope to discover who her allies were and where she might have gone.

Caleb’s jaw was set firmly, the only betrayal of his misery at being back in the belly of the beast in Rexxentrum. The others formed a circle around him, protective and careful, even though by that point they were all aware that he needed their love far more than their protection.

Caduceus had been to fancy parties before - he remembered the flurry of beautiful costumes in Nicodranas right before they found out Essek’s secret, watching the Ruby of the Sea perform, and he’d been before the Bright Queen in Xhorhas countless times. However, there was something different about walking into the heart of the Cerberus Assembly dressed in his finery, surrounded by Dwendalian high society and conscious of the political currents around them. There was intrigue in the air, and a dark sort of magic that Caduceus could almost taste on his tongue.

Everyone subtly stared at the Nein, with their colorful non-Dwendalian clothing and their assorted origins, but the gathering was held in polite enough society that nobody made eye contact directly. The looks made the group stick together, clumping close to the buffet as Yasha picked delicacies off of a silver tray and examined them before taking a bite. Fjord immediately commandeered glasses of wine for himself, Caleb, and Beau, passing them around. Beau downed hers with one swallow.

Caduceus surveyed the room. A band played in the corner, a lovely sort of tune that sounded like a melody he’d heard Caleb hum when he hadn’t thought anyone listening. The buffet table was loaded with finger foods that looked delicious, but Caduceus wasn’t able to eyeball which of them were vegetarian by first glance, so he let Yasha be their taste-tester. The assorted serving staff circling the party with trays laden with glasses of wine didn’t seem to have any non-alcoholic options, either. Caduceus was not impressed with the accessibility options for people with different dietary needs, but it wasn’t the first time he’d encountered such a thing in the Empire.

“Look,” Jester said pointedly. “We’re _never_ going to find out information about DeRogna if we don’t talk to other people.” She glanced pointedly around the room, most likely looking for an opportunity for mischief to present itself. “See, there’s Astrid!” she announced, and before any of the rest of the group could react, she was off at a trot in her pretty pink dress, tail bobbing behind her as she skipped over to take Astrid’s hands in hers and whisper something to her. Astrid’s cheeks pinked in surprise, but she smiled at Jester, a smile that Caduceus had seen countless times on others. Jester had charmed another one. Caleb stared helplessly after them both.

Jester cajoled Astrid into a dance a moment later, both of their skirts swirling into the colorful whirl of other dancers in the center of the room. The rest of them gaped after her. “Well,” said Caleb somewhat awkwardly. “That is one way to find out information.”

Beau leaned against the wall. “I’m not dancing with any evil wizards,” she said, crossing her arms against her chest and just begging someone to challenge her. Nobody was interested in doing so. “The rest of you can take one for the team, but _I’m_ staying right here to keep an eye on everything.”

“I don’t think any of the rest of us are particularly interested in dancing with evil wizards either,” Fjord said placatingly just as Caduceus’s eyes lit on a familiar figure in the crowd. Dressed in a formal top without sleeves, the curved musculature of his powerful arms on display, Eadwulf was deep in conversation with a young human woman. Caduceus found his eyes tracing the scars along his forearms and up his biceps, and when he glanced back up at Eadwulf’s face, Eadwulf was staring right back at him. Their eyes locked across the room.

Caduceus’s formalwear was far too hot; his collar felt tighter and his face was almost ablaze as he broke eye contact first. He glanced back at the rest of the group, none who seemed to have noticed his moment of connection with Caleb’s former friend. He checked back into the conversation to find that their original plan to discover information had been almost completely forgotten. Veth had pulled out a wire and was whispering, “drop an oops stone while you’re dancing! You can reply to this message,” into it furiously.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Caduceus interjected, trying to bring his brain back in gear. “Weren’t we trying to find someone connected with Vess DeRogna? Chaos will make that more difficult.”

“Caduceus is right,” Caleb said, squaring his shoulders and taking a sip of his wine, which he’d barely touched. “We are not here for fun; we have a job to do.”

“She could just drop _one_ oops stone,” Veth said.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Caleb’s face clearly betrayed his stubbornness, and Veth unsurprisingly relented.

“Belay the oops stone! You can reply to this message!” she whispered into her wire. Caduceus imagined the laughter from Jester she would receive in response and smiled.

He glanced back over at Eadwulf to discover he was still being watched, those dark eyes fixed on him like a brand. Something about the look made him feel flustered, too warm and fluttery in his stomach, but he was determined not to look away. He swallowed through a throat that felt coated with sandpaper, his mouth dry, and met those dark eyes squarely with his own gaze. He’d faced down far scarier threats than one scourger with nice arms.

“You could dance with Yasha,” Veth suggested beside him, presumably at Beau – Caduceus didn’t look away from Eadwulf to check. Out of the corner of his eye, he could still see Yasha delightedly sampling the buffet, clearly not paying attention.

“Fine,” Beau announced grouchily. “I’ll dance.” Caduceus turned back to watch as she gently took the plate and the finger food from Yasha’s hands and led her out onto the dance floor. Veth looked far too smug as she glanced at the remaining group, and Caduceus couldn’t help himself, curiosity getting the better of him, and glanced back at Eadwulf. Their eyes met once more.

Gods, his pulse was racing. It was strange – they’d been in far more dangerous situations than a ball in the heart of the Empire, but Caduceus’s heart felt like it was about to jump out of his chest.

“Is there anyone here who’s close to DeRogna that you recognize?” Fjord asked Caleb, his voice low. As Caleb scanned the room, Caduceus raised a questioning eyebrow in Eadwulf’s direction, almost as if to ask, ‘ _what are you doing?_ ’ Eadwulf raised an eyebrow back, a small twist of a grin on his pretty mouth, and Caduceus’s breath hitched. _Oh_ , is that what was going on? This was the thing with Fjord, but with someone else?

Jester and Astrid danced by, laughing at some shared joke, and they both waved at Caleb as they passed. Caleb took an even bigger gulp of his wine and glanced at Fjord.

“No,” said Fjord.

“I did not even say—”

“I’m not dancing with you,” Fjord said, amused but firm. “Especially so you can try to engineer a partner switch. With my luck, you’d end up with Jester and I’d be dancing with the evil wizard.”

Caduceus personally thought that Caleb would have been happy with either outcome, and also that Astrid wasn’t particularly all that evil, but he kept the thought to himself. Fjord had been somewhat awkward with him lately, and he had decided that until he knew why, he was going to give him space. To distract himself, he glanced in Eadwulf’s direction once more, and this time Eadwulf flat-out grinned in his direction.

Not breaking eye contact, Eadwulf leaned over and took a full glass of wine from one of the servers, tilting it in Caduceus’s direction as if to say ‘cheers’. Caduceus watched the long line of his throat as he drank, his heartbeat echoing in his ears.

“You could dance with Caduceus or Veth,” Caleb suggested, continuing the conversation with Fjord.

“I’m not dancing,” Fjord said stubbornly, drinking down his glass of wine with a gulp. There was a bit of a blush on his cheeks when Caduceus briefly glanced in his direction, although perhaps it was just the alcohol.

“Come _on_ , you party pooper,” Veth said, snatching Fjord’s empty glass and ditching it on the buffet table. She dragged him onto the dance floor, ignoring all of his protests and leaving Caduceus and Caleb standing alone.

Caduceus glanced back over at Eadwulf and blinked in surprise – he was gone, no longer talking to the young woman he’d been conversing with previously. Caduceus found himself scanning the room, looking for cropped dark hair and those muscular shoulders, but he couldn’t locate him through the whirling figures of the dancers.

Squashing down the disappointment that curled in his heart, he turned back to Caleb. “How are you doing?”

Caleb sipped another mouthful of wine. “I am…better than I thought,” he said. “Every time becomes easier, especially when I have you all around me.”

Caduceus felt slightly bad that his attention wasn’t completely on Caleb for such an important conversation, but he still scanned the crowds, feeling loss in his gut even though he immediately felt foolish for it. There was something _nice_ about feeling seen. He knew it was normal to crave it and be sad when it vanished, but it still left him unsettled.

“Ah, _Wulf_ ,” said Caleb, and Caduceus turned to see Eadwulf approaching.

He had dressed in finery, all black, easier to observe without yards of dancers in between them. His eyes sparkled with mirth as he glanced between Caleb and Caduceus. Caduceus’s traitorous heart picked up its staccato once more. He was a bit out of his depth, a feeling he wasn’t sure he liked.

“Br—Caleb,” Eadwulf acknowledged with a nod.

“You are enjoying the party?” Caleb asked. It was nice of him to stick to Common so that Caduceus could understand, even though it would be clearly so much easier to switch to Zemnian. It was also clear from the tension in his shoulders that Caleb assumed Eadwulf was there for him. Caduceus wondered if he was right. Was Eadwulf there to tease an old friend or to make a new one?

(Although ‘friend’ didn’t feel quite like the right word for either of those situations.)

Eadwulf’s eyes flicked back to Caduceus, just briefly but with enough of a glint that Caduceus was fully aware that it was intentional. “It’s a bit boring,” he said in reply to Caleb’s question. “It only grew more interesting once your band of misfits walked in.”

For the first time all evening, Caleb laughed. “They do have a tendency to be that way,” he said fondly.

Eadwulf looked over at Caduceus once more, giving him a quick wink. Caleb didn’t seem to notice. “What exactly are you doing at a Cerberus Assembly gathering?” Eadwulf asked pointedly. “It doesn’t seem like your scene.”

“Perhaps you don’t know as much about us as you think,” Caleb challenged.

This time, Eadwulf didn’t hide the way his eyes came to rest on Caduceus. “No, I think that is probably true,” he admitted. He turned, _finally_ , away from Caleb to stand directly in front of Caduceus, his eyes in line with Caduceus’s clavicle. “You’re very tall,” he said.

Caleb glanced between them, suddenly realizing he’d missed something.

“I hear that a lot,” Caduceus said, astonished at how casually the words rolled off of his tongue when he felt such electricity under his skin.

“I’m sure,” Eadwulf replied, a quirk of a smile on his lips again. “I’ve never danced with someone taller before.” He did seem to be quite tall for a human.

Caduceus was pleased, suddenly, at this dangerous man’s game. “Did you want to start now?” he asked. It was much like knowing what to say when someone needed guidance or support; he understood people deeply, and although the magnetic force drawing him to Eadwulf was relatively new, in the end it was just interacting with a person. It wasn’t so scary, really.

Caleb continued to look between them, mystified. “Wulf, if you’re looking for a partner, I can—”

“I’m not looking for a partner,” Eadwulf interrupted. “I’m looking for your friend.” He glanced all the way up Caduceus’s tall form as though drinking him in, and Caduceus was suddenly pleased that he was in such handsome formal clothing, even as he felt himself warm to the tips of his ears.

Caleb’s eyebrows made their way practically through his hairline. Caduceus foresaw an uncomfortable conversation in his future, but the sparks of adrenaline coursing through him made it hard to truly care – the only one who would be uncomfortable in that conversation anyway would be Caleb, most likely.

Eadwulf reached out with one of his very shapely forearms to take Caduceus’s wrist, leaving a hot brand of contact where their skin touched. “Shall we?” he asked in a low tone, his eyes not leaving Caduceus’s own.

“I don’t know how to dance like this,” Caduceus confessed. It was more of that Empire waltzing – silly to a cleric who grew up dancing around graves.

“It is not difficult,” Eadwulf murmured, his voice rumbling pleasantly low to the ears. “No one will challenge your steps with _me_ as your partner.”

It was hard to argue with that logic, not after he’d seen magic crackle across those forearms in Ikithon’s tower. Caduceus stepped forward, allowing Eadwulf’s palm to drift from his wrist into his own hand. His skin was warm and calloused as Caduceus ran a thumb across it, watching closely as Eadwulf licked his lips in response. Something was happening, something that Caduceus had never experienced before, and he didn’t want it to stop.

Eadwulf reached out and grabbed a fresh glass of wine from a passing server with his free hand. He took a gulp before handing the rest of it to Caleb. Caduceus tried very hard not to notice how red the wine stained his mouth.

“For your troubles, Caleb,” Eadwulf said with a grin full of mischief and promise.

“Be careful, Wulf,” Caleb said warningly.

“I’m not worried,” Caduceus assured him, and it was true. He was more confident than he’d felt in months. A handsome man was _attracted_ to him, and Caduceus was attracted back. He was a little fuzzy on the details on where things would go from there, but he had a sudden premonition that he might have a chance to find out.

“Good,” said Eadwulf, and he gently – far more gently than Caduceus would have expected – led him out onto the dance floor.

Starting out, dancing was awkward. Eadwulf tried to rest his free hand on Caduceus’s shoulder before realizing that he was a bit too tall and settling for resting it against Caduceus’s hip instead. He led Caduceus slowly through steps that correlated to the current tune, and Caduceus followed somewhat clumsily, unused to such formal dancing. Eadwulf was also unused to having such a tall partner, and they found their feet tangling several times before Caduceus finally began to get the hang of it.

Once he felt less shaky on his feet, he glanced up from watching his steps to find Eadwulf studying him intently with a smile.

“Of all the things that would happen when I asked you to dance, I did not expect to be laughing over missed steps,” Eadwulf said. “Not after the way you put my master in his place, all those weeks ago.”

“People are complex,” Caduceus pointed out, meeting his easy smile as he completed an 8-count of the dance without tripping either of them. “But Trent Ikithon isn’t your master. Nobody truly owns another person’s soul.”

The mirth vanished from Eadwulf’s face as though Caduceus had thrown water on a fire. “Let’s not speak of that,” he said darkly, whirling Caduceus into the crowd of dancers more quickly than before. Caduceus was caught up in trying not to fall flat on his face before gaining his footing once more. They spun past Jester and Astrid, Jester making a silly face at him. Caduceus had just enough time to give her a shaky smile before they danced away, leaving him focused on Eadwulf’s consternated expression.

“We don’t need to speak of Ikithon tonight,” Caduceus conceded.

“I would much rather speak of you,” Eadwulf segued smoothly, as though he had been waiting for the opening. Perhaps he had.

They passed Fjord and Veth as Caduceus responded, “what did you want to know?” Fjord stared at him across the space between them, and Caduceus firmly did not meet his eyes.

“Who _are_ you?” Eadwulf asked. There was such a cautious hope in his eyes. “You are fearless when you should be cowering. You speak your mind as though it doesn’t matter who hears it. Does nothing scare you?”

“Many things scare me,” Caduceus answered reasonably. As he replied, he tripped on the toe of Eadwulf’s boot during a particularly tricky step and stumbled against him. He pulled himself away quickly, not allowing himself to think too long on the firmness of Eadwulf’s broad chest, but found that as they resumed dancing, they were far closer than before.

“Many things scare me,” he repeated once he’d caught his breath once more. “Foolish men aren’t one of them.”

Eadwulf glanced around the room nervously. “You should not let yourself be heard saying that, here.”

Caduceus shrugged. “We’re already unwelcome here,” he said easily. “They’ve been staring at us all night. I doubt it will make a difference.”

Dancing more closely, Eadwulf was just tall enough that Caduceus could feel breath against the sensitive skin of his neck. It sent shivers down his spine, a delightful and new sensation. It had been so long since he’d touched anyone – he reveled in having a body so close to him. It made him feel alive.

Eadwulf changed the subject quickly. “Tell me more about you.”

“I’m not sure what there is to tell,” Caduceus replied. “I come from the Savalirwood. My family tends a grove with a graveyard there.”

“You serve Melora,” Eadwulf said with a nod. “I have seen your holy symbol. A cleric, am I right?”

Caduceus nodded back. “And I’ve seen yours,” he said, briefly touching his fingers to the raven feather at Eadwulf’s clavicle. “You serve the Matron?”

“I do,” Eadwulf answered with a twinkle in his eye.

“My family did as well, once, long ago,” Caduceus told him. Eadwulf licked his lips and studied him in return.

“Interesting that I would meet you, then,” he said. “Almost as though it was fated.”

Caduceus tried not to let the words go to his head. “I’ve thought that before,” he said instead. “But fate is hard to quantify, even if things seem to be falling into place.” He decidedly didn’t look in Fjord’s direction.

The music shifted suddenly to a much slower melody, slow and romantic. Caduceus felt Eadwulf’s strong arms tighten around him, although he hadn’t had any instinct to flee with the changed tempo. All around them, dancing couples drew one another closer or split apart to find other partners, and Caduceus took a chance and pulled Eadwulf close enough that there was hardly an inch between them.

Eadwulf looked up at him with an amused expression. “I hadn’t thought you would be so—” he trailed off, appearing to have difficulty with the word he wanted to use to describe Caduceus. “So interesting,” he finished, clearly not what he had been originally going for but complimentary all the same.

“I’ve only told you a few things about myself,” Caduceus replied with a small laugh. “Nothing even yet about how I like to cook.”

Eadwulf’s eyebrows rose. “You cook, too?”

“Yes, but I’m a vegetarian,” he reminded him. “I don’t cook anything like the steak you enjoyed when we last dined together.”

“I’m sure I would not be disappointed.” Eadwulf didn’t look away from Caduceus’s face as they swayed together. Caduceus felt warm all over, especially his palms that held Eadwulf’s body against his.

“And what about you?” Caduceus asked, surprised by the ferocity by which he wanted to know this man. Caduceus liked to know about everyone, it was part of how he saw so much about people, but he’d only desired it at such a strength once before.

Eadwulf stared up at him as they moved, as though he was trying to memorize the lines of Caduceus’s face. “What is there to tell?” he said, accent thickening. “I am a simple man.”

“That doesn’t seem true,” Caduceus replied softly. “You had a similar upbringing to Caleb, one of the most complex people I’ve met.”

Eadwulf laughed almost bitterly. “Bren has always been like that. There’s a reason our master chose him.” His thumb stroked gently against the fabric of Caduceus’s hip, distracting enough to almost pull his attention from the conversation.

Caduceus dragged his wandering thoughts back to the topic at hand. “It’s normal to minimize yourself when you’ve been trying not to be seen your whole life,” he said.

Eadwulf fixed those molten eyes on him like a brand. He picked up the speed of their aimless drifting, dancing them away from the other couples a bit out of tempo with the music. “You see through people so well,” he said. “My master, before, and now myself. But you don’t really know me.” He issued the last statement like a challenge, hissed under his breath.

“I don’t,” Caduceus agreed. “But I want to. Know you, that is.”

It became clear that Eadwulf had a destination in mind for their detour as they approached a large balcony, out of sight from the rest of the ballroom. Eadwulf tugged Caduceus around a garlanded pillar and they emerged into the cool night air of Rexxentrum in late summer.

Eadwulf didn’t let go of Caduceus or step away, still standing breathtakingly close even as they slowly came to a stop from dancing.

“I was born in Blumenthal,” Eadwulf said, voice low, the timbre setting butterflies alight in Caduceus’s stomach. “My parents are dead by my hand. I serve my country proudly.”

“There’s more to you than that,” Caduceus told him. “There’s more to all of you than what that man shaped you into.” He thought of Astrid, hesitantly charmed by Jester. He thought of Caleb, the joy that he found in his magic once he’d discovered a family to share it with.

Eadwulf seemed at a loss for words, and Caduceus reached out on instinct and cupped his face with one hand, reveling again at the pure comfort of touching another. “You don’t have to have an answer for me,” he said. “But I hope you have one for yourself.”

Eadwulf met his gaze, his eyes a brilliant blue in the light from the nearby torches. Caduceus wondered how he could have ever found them dark; they rivalled Caleb’s blue eyes for their brilliance.

His heart began to beat a frantic staccato once more as Eadwulf reached up and pulled them level. He paused with his mouth a whisper away, a question in his eyes. Caduceus’s own must have answered affirmatively because Eadwulf closed that final bit of distance, catching Caduceus’s mouth in a soft kiss.

At the first touch of his lips, Caduceus gave a soft gasp, something like an electric current running through him down to his toes. Eadwulf pulled away quickly, wearing a bashful smile.

Caduceus didn’t think – instead he chased that smile with his mouth to pull him into another kiss. If the first kiss had been soft and sweet, this one was anything but. Eadwulf made a soft noise and ran his tongue across Caduceus’s lips, surprising him into a soft gasp. Caduceus clutched at Eadwulf’s strong, sturdy arms, enjoying the feel of skin beneath his fingertips and astonished at how alive he felt, in this moment, kissing this man.

Eadwulf continued to kiss him, practically up on the tips of his toes to reach. He tangled one hand in Caduceus’s hair, pulling it loose from the gentle tie he’d clasped it in earlier so that it fell in a pink waterfall around them. Eadwulf pulled away just enough to laugh, then moved to cup Caduceus’s face in his hands as he returned to kissing him positively breathless.

Caduceus dimly noted a change in the tempo of the music once more, and sounds of conversation and footsteps slowly filtered into his awareness. Eadwulf clearly heard the same and he released Caduceus’s lips with tantalizing slowness, staring up at him with an expression that was as astonished as his own.

“Who are you?” Eadwulf asked again, sounding as breathless as Caduceus felt. Words were on the tip of his tongue to answer, something deep and meaningful that would give Eadwulf exactly the information he needed, when another couple approached the balcony in giggles.

Eadwulf stepped completely from Caduceus’s arms before they were in view, and the spell between them snapped, vanishing into the air like smoke.

Eadwulf’s shoulders went rigid, his spine stock-straight, and he bowed to Caduceus, a shade too formally. “I’ve kept you from your friends long enough,” he said, and it occurred to Caduceus through his haze that this was what running away looked like on this man. “It was…good to see you.”

“I’ll see you again,” Caduceus said, surprised at how confident the words sounded. Deep in his heart, though, he knew it was true. The connection between the two of them, started at that terrible dinner months before and then forged stronger by this encounter on the balcony – it would not be so easily broken.

Eadwulf gave him a nod, although he was barely disguising the panic in his eyes. He gave Caduceus one final, long look and slipped off into the crowd of dancers, leaving Caduceus alone.

Caduceus pressed his fingertips to his lips, remembering what it had felt like to be kissed. He wished, more than anything, that Eadwulf had maintained the courage to stay.

The giggling couple near the door moved on, leaving Caduceus with the balcony to himself. He took a few moments to breathe in the night air, calming himself back to equilibrium. It had to be okay that Eadwulf wasn’t ready. He hadn’t even known this was a possibility when the evening had begun, and Eadwulf had far more to lose.

Finally feeling centered, Caduceus returned to the ballroom to look for the rest of his friends. He immediately spotted Caleb, Jester, and Fjord standing in the same spot by the buffet table and made a beeline for them, avoiding the dancers that were still skipping along with the music.

“Oh my god, Caduceus!” Jester said the moment he returned to them, looking him up and down with a familiar look of trouble in her eyes. “You look like you’ve been _debauched_.”

Fjord’s head snapped up and their eyes met briefly. Caduceus resisted the urge to look away, many things feeling clearer to him than before his dancing interlude. Fjord had made his choice, for reasons which were Fjord’s alone to know. Caduceus didn’t begrudge him that. In light of the memory of Eadwulf’s body pressed against his, of Eadwulf’s lips on his own, his previous crush on Fjord felt like it had existed in a dream.

“Be careful with Wulf,” said Caleb, reaching over to pull Caduceus’s loosened hair tie from his mussed hair. He handed it back with a look that suggested that he too had once been kissed stupid by Eadwulf, long ago.

Caduceus smiled wryly and calmly tied his hair back into order. “I suspect it is Wulf who has to be careful of me,” he said, “but thank you.”

The rest of the evening followed the same vein as most events with the Mighty Nein tended to go. Yasha pointed out the vegetarian options at the buffet to Caduceus, who gratefully filled his fluttering stomach. Beau and Fjord managed to track down a former associate of DeRogna’s, and Jester and Veth ended up locking her with an oops stone in a small conference room off to the side of the ballroom until she agreed to talk to them. Caduceus mostly stayed out of the way, distracted by thoughts of his moment with Eadwulf.

They finally made their departure, DeRogna’s associate in tow, leaving the ball and heading out into the Rexxentrum night. As they walked along the darkened cobblestone street near the event hall, Caduceus heard an accented voice calling his name lowly.

“I’ll catch up,” he told Jester, turning to try to locate the source of that voice despite his lack of dark vision. She nodded and ran forward to the rest of the group, loudly proclaiming something about their evening and distracting them from Caduceus’s disappearance.

As his eyes continued to adjust to the darkness, a wide-shouldered figure was visible leaning against the wall of a nearby building. Caduceus approached until he stood only a few feet away.

Eadwulf nodded at him wordlessly before ducking into a nearby alleyway. Caduceus looked around, seeing no one else nearby. Knowing it was clearly foolish, he slipped after him anyway.

He found Eadwulf surrounded by a cloud of tiny globes of soft light, sparkling like faeries to give the alley a dim glow. “What is it?” Caduceus asked, keeping his voice low. “I shouldn’t let my friends get too far ahead.”

Eadwulf stepped forward until they were chest to chest, his breath ghosting along the sensitive underside of Caduceus’s chin as he glanced up at him. “I should not have run, like that.”

“It’s okay to be scared,” Caduceus replied easily. His arms went up of their own volition, one wrapping around Eadwulf’s waist and the other over his shoulder. “ _I’m_ scared,” he admitted.

“I’m not _scared_ ,” Eadwulf denied, even as the waver in his voice betrayed that he was absolutely terrified. Caduceus understood. This strange connection, this pull between them – it left him feeling disconcerted, like someone had stolen the earth beneath his feet. He couldn’t imagine how frightening it would be to a person who had nothing left of himself besides his own self-control.

“Come with us,” Caduceus said, his fingers twitching at the feel of Eadwulf’s fine clothes under his palms.

“You know I can’t,” said Eadwulf, but the yearning look in his eyes said the exact opposite. He wanted nothing more than to escape under Ikithon’s thumb, but he wasn’t ready, not yet.

“Not yet,” Caduceus echoed the words that he’d thought in his head. “But someday, you might be ready. We’ll be there, when you are.”

Eadwulf gave him a desperate look. He reached up to pull him down into another kiss, and Caduceus kissed back softly, still with that muted passion beneath the surface but also with compassion, understanding, a confirmation of their mutual connection. Eadwulf made a soft sound, pulling Caduceus tight against him, and Caduceus felt surrounded by sensation and touch, nearly drowning in it. It was intoxicating.

Caduceus pulled away from him once more. “You’re a wizard,” he began, and Eadwulf furrowed his jaw at him, clearly not understanding where he was going with the statement. “So you should be able to cast Message,” Caduceus prompted.

Eadwulf blinked and nodded, licking his lips and not taking his eyes from Caduceus’s own.

“So if you’re ready. When you’re ready. Send me a message. We’ll come for you.”

“And if I’m never ready?” Eadwulf asked.

A sudden vision of fire and blood. A city devastated. A broken look in Caleb’s eyes.

“Then I hope we don’t meet on a battlefield,” Caduceus said, wishing with all his heart that it would not come to pass.

Eadwulf put some distance between them, composing his expression back into the passionless scourger they’d met so long ago. “I hope that as well,” he said.

“You know,” Caduceus said thoughtfully, “fate isn’t just something that happens to you. You make choices that lead to where you’re meant to be. There’s always another option.”

Eadwulf nodded once, crisply. “I will think on it,” he said, his Zemnian accent thicker than ever. Then his voice grew soft once more. “Stay safe, Caduceus.”

“Stay strong, Eadwulf,” Caduceus replied, echoing him in formality.

Eadwulf turned as if to go, then darted forward, kissing Caduceus once more with enough force to knock him slightly backwards against the alley wall. Caduceus kissed him back in surprise, one last moment of desperation leaving him slightly unraveled. Then Eadwulf disengaged as quickly as he’d descended upon Caduceus, dismissing his fairy lights and slipping back into the shadows as Caduceus blinked afterimages from his vision.

Caduceus stared at the spot where he’d vanished for several heartbeats, wishing with all his heart that Eadwulf had agreed to come with them.

It had to be okay, Caduceus thought to himself. He wasn’t used to wanting things for himself, and the strength with which he yearned for a different outcome unsettled him. He took several deep breaths, murmuring a quick prayer to the Wildmother to watch over Eadwulf. Finally, he turned on his heel and left the alley.

He hurried with long strides to catch up to his friends. He’d never had trouble having faith – and that faith was telling him this was not the last time he’d hear from Eadwulf.

**Author's Note:**

> Join me at [the-kaedageist](https://the-kaedageist.tumblr.com/) on tumblr for more Critical Role nonsense. Thank you for reading!


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